The Female Lead

For months, I’ve been struggling to come up with a theme and title for my blog. I’ve had ideas here and there but nothing that’s felt complete or inspired. What I do know, is that I want to write about what it’s like to be a woman in the entertainment industry. I figure the best (and only) way to do this is to be honest and share my own experiences. Here it goes.

The first notion I had of wanting to be a performer of some kind was incited by watching Barney. Yes, Barney. I saw the kids dancing and singing and having fun on that show and thought, I want to be one of them. This may sound silly but I’ll have you know that two of the child actors featured on Barney (years after I stopped being entertained by it) grew up to be Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. I greatly admire those two women for their talent and openness with regards to mental health, eating disorders and other forms of addiction. Now, back to my childhood. My dad worked as a videographer for a local news station and would sometimes get to interview actors who would be in town for work. So, from a young age, I was aware that being an actor was, in fact, a real job one could have. The greatest interview my dad ever did (in my opinion) was with The Olsen Twins. Yes. THEE OLSEN TWINS. They were in Calgary shooting How the West was Fun (first VHS I ever bought with my own money) and he got both Mary-Kate and Ashley to say hello to me on camera (#humblebrag).

I mention all of this to emphasize how truly enamoured I was with the movie making business and the females within it. I didn’t fully comprehend it then but I was very drawn to strong females in both entertainment and in real life. I remember my mom filling out a form for a teacher in elementary school and writing, “Victoria is attracted to stories with strong female leads”. Strong Female Leads. I wasn’t consciously choosing those stories but when I read that I realized it was true. I loved The Babysitter’s Club, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Sweet Valley High, Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret? And like most other girls in the ‘90s, I was COMPLETELY obsessed with The Spice Girls. So needless to say, from a very young age, my life was infused with girl power.

In 2009, at the age of nineteen, I packed up my belongings and moved to New York City to study acting. Moved to NYC at nineteen, you say?! Yes, it was a bit of an ambitious and risky move I’ll admit but I was the Strong Female Lead of my story so obviously I could handle it. Just kidding— Manhattan was terrifying. For the first six months, I basically only left my apartment to go to school and the grocery store. But as my first year moved along, I became more comfortable, I made friends and I accepted the fact that maybe not everyone in New York was waiting to mug and/or kidnap me. In certain respects, I grew up very quickly. However, there were still parts of my emotional self and mental state that couldn’t possibly keep up with how fast my life was moving. By my second year, I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and fell into a depression— despite not realizing it at the time.

This brings me to my first blaring red instance of a problematic interaction in the industry. Our musical theatre teacher decided to bring in casting directors so that we could get some practice with the audition process. One of the casting directors was a man in his late ‘60s. We were required to sing a song for him and perform a monologue. The school I went to was not focused on musical theatre however, I was, so I felt I had somewhat of an edge on the other students when it came to singing. I had a good audition. At the end of the class the casting director gave us notes and critiques, mine was quite positive and he asked me to come speak with him privately afterwards. I was so excited. I thought for sure he was going to suggest I audition for something he was casting or possibly refer me to an agent. I anxiously approached him, he sighed and began by saying, “I hate when I have to do this”. He then proceeded to tell me that my headshot was beautiful but it didn’t look like me and that if I wanted to get work, I would need to lose weight. He claimed he was giving me this advice because he thought I was talented but knew I wouldn’t get parts at the weight I was at. I was mortified and beyond that, as a girl with an already severe eating disorder, I was traumatized.

I couldn’t attend the rest of my classes that day. In my mind, my worst nightmare had just occurred. I don’t believe there was any malicious intent behind his words, but I do think his comments were uncalled for and inappropriate. The worthlessness I felt when this man told me that my hard work and talent had no value because I wasn’t under a healthy weight was overwhelming. He was not only a stranger to me, but obviously he had no experience living in a woman’s body. Let’s face it: he had no place saying what he did. The larger problem with this scenario is that it is fed and reinforced by an industry and society that encourages largely unrealistic beauty standards. Body shaming is present everywhere but it is heightened in the acting world. It can eclipse talent and hard work and strip away confidence. Today, I am very grateful for women like Jameela Jamil who are champions for body positivity and call out companies that seek to make a profit off consumers having negative self worth. I hope to see more of this and will strive to be a part of it.

In 2015, after a long, arduous and expensive few years attempting to get my US visa renewed, I relocated to Toronto. The move was unexpected and met with some resistance on my part, but I made the best of a difficult first few months. I got settled in city full of lovely people, where I was legally allowed to work and able to go to the doctor without incurring a massive bill. In most respects, the industry has been much kinder to me here although it absolutely isn’t without it’s faults. My second agent in Toronto was insistent that I get headshots that showcase a sexier side, with the intention that that angle may result in an increased frequency in auditions. I didn’t have a problem with this. I’m generally comfortable displaying a certain level of sex appeal and I was very keen to take action to start auditioning more. In the span of six months, I got three separate rounds of headshots with three different photographers, none of which were satisfying to my agent.

In response to my third session, I received a frustrated email from my agent saying, “To be direct: when Caucasian male directors look at your headshots they should be intrigued and possibly want to fuck you. Clear?” The vulgarity of this email shocked me but initially I was more upset that I wasn’t getting it right rather than the fact that my agent was telling me in order to get auditions (let alone roles) I needed to make white directors want to have sex with me. I shared this email with a few friends, most of whom were appalled at his message and it started to shift my perspective. Two months later, the New York Times article exposing Harvey Weinstein was published, and shortly after, the #MeToo movement began. I have found the last few years incredibly enlightening with regards to sexual harassment and the imbalance of power based on gender. I have realized I exhibit a number of behaviours that hinder me because I have been told that’s how I’m supposed to act, or what I deserve, because I’m a woman. I have realized that many men I care about also possess problematic behaviour and we all need to work together to educate and respect one another. Also, I am no longer with that agent.

This past year has been exceptionally satisfying for me both professionally and personally. I booked some fun roles and tried my hand at producing for the first time with a talented, fiery, female friend. We made our first short film, heavily focused on women’s rights, and I have never been more proud of anything in my life. I didn’t realize how badly I needed create something that I truly cared about. How satisfying it would be to handpick our own crew and cultivate an environment and energy to serve our project. How empowering it would be to employ other people who were excited about the message we were sharing through our film. It wasn’t easy. It required a tremendous amount of unpaid work and forced me to take many steps outside of my comfort zone, but it reminded me of a fact about myself that I sometimes forget: I like to lead. I like to be at the helm. As an actor, there’s often so much that is out of your control; it’s unusual to feel like you’re in charge or hold power. Much of the same goes for being a woman. This year and this project made me feel empowered and it had absolutely nothing to do with my weight or how fuckable I was. I hope to pursue more of this. I hope to bring to life more stories that I feel passionate about. I hope to be a part of a shift in the entertainment industry towards more body inclusivity, diversity and gender equality. I hope to continue to have the courage, support and privilege to take the (female) lead.